A state of confusion and doubting

I started my personal fasting journey last Monday after Easter for the heart purification for myself, hubby and two of my close friends who have been struggling as well. On the second day, I was in a roller coaster state especially the evening time.

The trigger point was when hubby messaged his "fling" for common stuff about the kids' homework but I found it's a bit intense and annoyed. Aware of the situation, he suddenly shown it to me without me asking to see the messages.

After watching netflix, he wanted to make love with me, but I just didn't feel good about it. I told him that I was not in the mood and felt not good.

I told him what I felt, my doubt and confusion and I even didn't know whether it's just my imagination or my strong sense that something was not right.

We talked heart to heart and he understood my point of view, the hurt inflicted to me. I told him that I didn't blame him because I knew in his logic part, he was aware what is right and what is wrong, which border he could not cross but I was not sure about his heart. I couldn't control his heart and feeling and sometimes the fling just happened like that.

I understood he developed the feeling out of pity not lust or love but I also saw that the other party was also in emotional needs thus it may create emotional connection one way or another.

This was the seed of adultery when it's nurtured either subconsciously or not and the consequences will be detrimental to everyone surrounding us.

We are one as husband and wife, what he faces right now is not only his problem but also mine. When the evil tried to deceive us and our minds through our weaknesses, we need to fight together and not blame one another.

This late morning, suddenly my joy has been taken away. I felt the darkness of my heart, the hurt, negativity and all the facts that I ignored before suddenly came to surface and affirmed what I felt.

It's really not a feeling that I am expecting. I felt so heavy, confused and no peace.

Despite all of this, I still can give thanks to God for this undesirable experiences. The purification process is not an easy one because it's all about our heart and feeling. However, there's hope if we are able to overcome this together that our love is going to be stronger and the light will be brighter.

God, please help us to go through this together as individual or husband and wife so in the end we can celebrate the victory together with Jesus' resurrection.

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