Awakening calls part 2

Yesterday morning was another awakening call for me. After making love, hubby asked me to walk down with him in the park. I knew in my instinct something "not in the good way" was gonna happen and I will get reprimanded by him.

True enough, when we walked down, he spoke up with calm voice and told me what he felt over the past few weeks. He felt that I have been emotionally distant and indifferent with his presence. He also felt that I was a changed person, he asked me if I felt the same.

I knew the day will gonna happen because I even myself felt that my life was a complete mess. I didn't take care myself, I ate junk food, slept less, overwhelmed with works and anxiety. I was back to my old self that I even despised and yes, because of the work took over my life, my soul and no more left for him, the kids, friends and family.

I put the priority wrong and my life was a mess. Thanks God, I still put God first and had commitment to have morning prayer before my works, thus God also willing to correct me and put me back to the right path before going astray.

I didn't deny that I have broken his heart by giving up my life to my works. I thought that it's my runaway from my wound when we had trust issues few months ago, but this morning, there's something deeper than that.

Long short story, I have been thinking the whole day, reflected back the whole things why I became such this person that I didn't even know myself. In the late afternoon, when I walked buying food for the kids, I was reminded perhaps by my Guardian Angel, if today I had accident and disable, who will care about me ? It will be my family (hubby, kids and parents), will my boss and colleague care ? Yes perhaps very superficial and I will be easily replaceable by other people when I am not fit to work.

If one of my family members is gone, would the external success meant for me ?

That's I have committed to make it right, starting from myself.

• I will eat clean again, detox myself from social media and spend my time more reading book and writing blog to reflect back.
• I will spend more time and attention to my hubby and the kids as they need me the most.

At night, when I was about to sleep, my hubby dropped another bomb.

He was enraged to know that I have been indifferent about him and thought that I no longer love him.

He told me that he wanted to have 40 days space time, what broke my heart most when he told me that we are not meant to renew our vow together when he was late for a few minutes and missed the renewing vow.

Suddenly I felt that I have lost him as he almost given up. I knew he was very enraged, thus I only asked one question, do you still have feeling for me ? and he said yes he did.

At least, there's a hope to save the marriage.

I have been struggling with myself to break free from the attachment and in addition to that, he gave me an ultimatum to have own space for 40 days.

I was so overwhelmed but I knew I was wrong and I need to make it right.

Thus, I have pledged to make sacrifice by fasting for 9 days.  I will fast from 6 am - 6pm and only took plant protein shake and multivitamin and omit all the food until 6pm.

And, I am going to do almsgiving again while praying to Saint Monica to help us mending our marriage.

I was crying the whole night as I was helpless and can't control anything.

My only pray is so that God gives me grace and love for me to be able to go through the day everyday.