It's killing me softly

I just couldn't hold it any more. The pain is killing me softly. I try to be strong but today it seems that I just couldn't stand up. The worse, I couldn't ask anyone for help. I am crying in pain alone and silently.

The truth is really sour and bitter and it's hard for me to digest it.

The more I knew the truth, it pierces and cuts my heart into pieces and I need to hold that pain alone.

Yesterday, he came home on time from giving tuition, he sincerely made commitment to be home on time and before sending her message, he showed it to me to get my approval and there's no more conversation in the chat.

Then this morning, he's a bit cold to me, I knew that something was not right thus I am asking him what he feels. He told me that it's a bit awkward for him as he usually gets excitement from spending time with her through chat and now he needs to put conscious effort to hold it and will lose that excitement.

I asked him questions what is his feeling about me and he told me previously it's 50-50 (me and her) and now (55-45).

I asked him also during my last 2 year birthday celebration organized by him, if it's truly for myself or it's just cover up to impress her and he said there are many elements of it. Some parts are really for me, some are to impress others, some are for the kids to see, etc.

He also confessed that sometimes he is feeling good when he spending time in chat as it brings the excitement and he thinks that he can get both world. He knew it's not right.

I don't know which one is the truth and fake.

Is there any real love or all are just cover up ?

Is there no more sparks ?

I am really helpless, I can't share and outpour my feeling to anyone. Even I want to share to him how painful it is, I don't want him to go back to his old habit and put a cover just to make me happy when the truth is the opposite.

I want to help him to go out from this illusion and bear this pain alone but can I ?

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