Broken vase

 

This is what I feel right now. Everything was going well in the past week and suddenly the beautiful vase was broken apart. I even didn't know how to describe the feeling. 

Hurt, upset, pity, mercy are mixed together. Sometimes I am just wondering if we can turn the back time again, what could be ?

Lord, what's going on ? I have been putting myself together despite the brokenness.

Lord, I really need you most, to give me strength and grace and heal my broken heart.

Please help me to understand my hubby's heart and mind too. I really don't know who is right and wrong, I am just feeling confused right now.

Oh Lord, You are the one united us since the beginning and we are running out the wine. Please replenish our wine of love. The true love.

It's all started on Friday night when hubby showed me a talk from of of pastors about marriage affairs. I didn't think much at first but thing was getting intense when I probed him further and finally he confessed that when I was in Jakarta, he felt the vibes starting coming back when he had long chat with that woman and when he saw that sermon video, he felt that God has reminded and warned him that's why he had courage to tell me what's happening.

Did my heart break ? yes of course

Did I hate him ? definitely no

Did I want to help him to get out from this situation ? Yes, absolutely

But things have gone sour and too far from what I expected.

I asked him how's his prayer life ? he told me that his prayer life has been in motion, all the prayers are just muscles memory without any meaning.

I asked him, did you read the daily reading ? he said no, because he told me it doesn't matter and he doesn't feel any effect.

I told him to read the bible everyday because it's like eating supplement / vitamin, we may not feel it right away the impact but when the storms happen, Holy Spirit will remind us through the words of God.

This is my fault that I told him that he's now chasing more worldly things like very cautious about his image, physical appearance and sometimes instruct me to wear something that I am not comfortable because it's too open.

That's where the fight broke. He told me that he's hurt because of what I said. 

I was like.....WTH.....yes, I did pass unfair judgement without considering his feelings. My point is that I just want him to come back to the Father.

Because I know that once we are off from the tree, we will think, act and behave like human. It's easier to get emotional, hurt, revenge, self right etc.

I am not always right everytime, but I know for sure that I have peace in my heart despite the hurt inflicted to me.

In the end, I decided to go for a walk since I couldn't sleep anyway. I walked to West Coast Park, sitting down there watching for sunrise then coming back home.

I tried to calm down and reflect what has gone wrong.

I tried to remember how we met for the first time, what make me fall in love with him, what has changed in the past 14 years, what are my wishes etc.

I went back home, taught the kids chinese and had lunch with our god daughter and kids' godparents at Marche.

After that I fell a sleep and able to sleep for 3 hours plus. Then we had make up love.