It's time to let go the past

Last week, I made a decision to empty myself through intentional fasting—12 hours a day from Monday to Friday. I hoped that in doing so, I could find clarity and hear what God wants me to do, especially in this new venture I’ve embarked on.

My heart and mind were completely fixed on this business. I held on to it tightly, as if it were the only thing I had.

As I entered those five days of fasting, I expected a miracle—something big, like someone making a booking, or a travel agent agreeing to partner with me.

But what I experienced was the opposite.

Over the weekend, I felt deeply troubled. I had no peace. It was as though I had fallen into the darkest pit of my soul.

Anxiety, worry, disillusionment, guilt, doubt, and fear of failure all came crashing down at once. I felt distant from God—as if He wasn’t doing what He was “supposed” to do.

I even asked Him for a clear, physical sign—perhaps testing Him. I asked for a miracle to help pay for our kids’ tuition, an unexpected burden we hadn’t budgeted for. I asked if at least one person would make a booking for a try-on.

But the more I pursued these signs, the more miserable I became when they didn’t happen.

During prayer devotion (PD), when I was serving, the topic was The Power of Prayer. I quietly confided in a close friend that I was struggling to pray—I no longer knew what to pray for.

Feeling lost, I shared my emotions with my husband.

Thank God for him. He offered me comfort, encouragement, and a new perspective.

He reminded me that this is the season to plant seeds—not to expect fruit just yet.

As long as I do something every day—whether it's creating content, contacting travel agents or influencers, or pursuing any meaningful action—I am planting seeds.

It’s not our job to predict or control the outcome. Even if, in the end, we plant in the “wrong” soil, at least we’ve tried our best. That perspective gave me peace—at least for a moment.

But the enemy didn’t stop there.

He attacked me in my weakest spots—guilt and pride.

I felt guilty for not contributing to our household income, and even more so for using part of our savings for a business that may or may not succeed.

I spiraled into what ifs:
What if this business fails?
What if I don’t get a job?
What if our savings dry up?
Do I give up the car? Serving? Our helpers?

I shared these worries with my husband again on Sunday. He listened patiently and gave me three powerful insights:

1. He felt disappointed when I spoke of giving up before I’d even truly started. He reminded me that he had given his full blessing and committed to a 16-month timeline for me to pursue this. “Do you really want to go back to a job where you can’t be yourself?” he asked. “Or do you want to give this your all and not look back? Your job now is to plant the seeds. Do the right thing consistently.”

2. Success or failure of the business is not solely on my shoulders. He assured me that he will think about the next steps and backup plans if needed. We are not in a desperate situation—we still have savings and buffers, and we’re in a better place financially than we’ve ever been.

3. He gently suggested that I might have unresolved issues from my past. He didn’t know the details, but from his experience, sometimes lingering resentment or pain from the past can block the blessings of the present. Perhaps, he said, I still hold on to some bitterness toward my former workplace.

And I had to admit—he was right.

I may say with my mind that I’ve forgiven, but in my heart, I still carry the hurt. I still feel the sting of how I was treated.

It’s subtle, but if left unresolved, it can be like cancer to the soul.

So I now realize that I must make a conscious decision to let go—to forgive my old boss, my former colleagues. To pray for them and bless them.

I need to reflect on the good they once did, before the incidents that hurt me. Maybe they weren’t intentionally bad. Perhaps they, too, were under pressure and felt helpless. Maybe letting me go was their way of giving me a chance to soar higher—so that one day, I might even be in a position to help them.

In the end, I believe this was the answer to my week of prayer and fasting.

God is asking me to release the past—to release my grudges and pain—so that I can be at peace with my old self and be ready to receive the new blessings He has prepared for me.