This is the 11th day of 2023. I found it was tough for me to walk alone.
Flashback, it didn't start well on the New Year when I was very upset on New Year eve and drowned myself with wine sorrowfully.
Day by day, it is just getting tough for me.
In my marriage relationship, I need to please hubby most of the time and sometimes I couldn't even handle his roller coaster emotion. He's so unpredictable, sometimes he can be very sweet, but there are times I feel that I am his biggest enemy.
Like what happened last night, he suddenly was so cold to me, didn't want to hold my hand when we walked and when I asked him why he's so cold, anything I did wrong ?
He only told me that he just need to accept my character and act professionally by doing functional as father and hubby. I was really clueless. I was trying to guess what I have done that upset him.
Is it because I slept early and didn't accompany him to watch TV ?
I was very down the day before because of my works. I was trying to motivate myself, finding something that can help me to think positive and move forward, I was very tired and wanted to sleep early, get refreshed and recharged and hope that I could be more positive in the next day. But if it upset him, I really didn't know what to say anymore.
It seems that I don't even have a space for myself to calm down.
But it just my guess only, I didn't know what made him really upset.
On the other hand, I was struggling with my works. The beginning year didn't start well.
Most of the existing clients decided to exit and we needed to start all over again. The fund was sitting in our account and we need to deploy it as quickly as possible.
I was very overwhelmed with the pressures since I was running against the time.
The prospective clients didn't look all 100% positive. On the other hand, finding new clients are also very tough process. It's not as easy as selling the ice cream.
I need to be positive all the time to attract the positive things thus I try to think what I could be grateful and have hope that every new day there's something good happening.
There's a temptation to run away though, finding a new job but I know if I do that, I won't learn about the whole sales process and even if I move to another company, I will be stuck the same thing again.
I keep praying and fasting everyday asking God to grant me a grace, strength, courage and wisdom so that I can walk everyday faithfully.
I told myself that God is in charge 99% and I only able to control 1% things that visible for me to do.
What I expect and need is actually the support from my hubby and kids. I don't need them to solve my work problem, but just don't give me anymore problems that drain my energy and mind.
But reality speaks differently, my mind and energy are drained when I need to handle hubby's emotion roller coaster and one way or another it effects me and my works.
I don't even know whom I could share about this, I can't even talk with hubby openly because if he's not in the good mood, whatever I say will be wrong and just back fired.
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