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40 days journey to find the first love

I have decided to rediscover my "First Love" — my love for Jesus — especially during this Lenten season.

This is a 40-day journey into the desert, a time to reflect, to find who I truly am, and to reconnect with who God is in my life.

I pray that by the end of this Lenten season, I will experience healing, regain my self-confidence, and most importantly, restore my confidence in God.

I am still hurting and struggling with feelings of disappointment when I remember how I was cornered and cast aside, even though my only intention was to help the company grow and succeed. For 4.5 years, I prayed faithfully for the leaders, the staff, and the prosperity of the business. Yet, in the end, I was left feeling unappreciated and humiliated.

As much as I want to forgive and move on, it feels like every door I try to open remains firmly shut. Even when a few doors seemed to offer hope, they quickly closed, leaving me back at square one.

I often feel useless and not good enough. I was eager to learn from good mentors and work for a company that values growth and integrity — but somehow, those opportunities never came.

Instead, the only door that seemed to open was the path to starting my own business. I do love this business, but it also comes with financial risk.

I wanted to contribute to my family’s finances, yet by starting this business, I ended up withdrawing from our savings — knowing that success is never guaranteed. It’s a 50/50 chance, and that weighs heavily on me.

Running a business isn’t easy either. I have to think about everything from A to Z — from registering the company, choosing the right bank, finding reliable vendors for dry cleaning, logistics, and storage, to sourcing quality products at good prices, and of course, finding customers. Every step is a challenge.

Sometimes, it feels so unfair. I’ve tried to live my whole life with good intentions, wanting only to help my family and others — yet the road I walk feels so difficult and painful. That’s why I feel so hurt and upset.

I’ve even begun to question how to love God unconditionally. Does He still hear my prayers? Are my hopes and wishes even being heard?

That’s why, during this Lent, I want to surrender all these burdens. I want to heal, to be made whole again, and to rediscover how to love God with all my heart — not because of what He gives me, but simply because of who He is.

Alongside this spiritual journey, I also want to take better care of my body.

I’m committing to restart a healthy lifestyle — exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and eating clean.

I truly hope that by the end of this Lenten season, something good and positive will come into my life — something that will transform me into a stronger, better version of myself.

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