Couple Empowerment Program Session 1 : Good Marriage

After coming back from recent couple retreat, we decided to deepen our spiritual journey together with this CEP (Couple Empowerment Program).
We attended the introductory session and were impressed how intelligent and deep the program is.
A lot of new terms that we learnt and it's good for us to do a check list whether our marriage life has been in the right track or any aspects in our marriage that need to be polished.

So we continued with first session about Good Marriage.
We came a bit late after our second son's swimming lesson and after our kids had their dinner.

I just summarise what we learned from this session and message that we received and hopefully it could transform our marriage to be better one.

The session started with the Choice Theory.
The Choice Theory states that " The only person whose behaviour we can control is our own " and that "almost all behaviour is chosen".
Therefore if we are unhappy with our marriage, we should focus on what we can do to improve the relationship instead of attempting to change our spouse.

There are 7 Deadly habits which are our human's default :
1. Criticizing
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Bribing, rewarding to control

On the opposite, what we want to practice and achieve is 7 Caring habits :
1. Supporting
2. Encouraging
3. Listening
4. Accepting
5. Trusting
6. Respecting
7. Negotiating differences

Even though we are not perfect score in those 7 caring habits, but we have achieved more than 50% scores on each habit which means that we are in right track.

In addition, we need to learn about SELF - MASTERY.
It's the response that we need to choose from the initial feeling that we experience.
For eg, when our first initial feeling is Angry, we have a choice to feed our angriness with negative feelings and put that into negative action or we have a choice to do the right thing in positive way which is very difficult and it needs emotional maturity.

The second topic is about Types of Marriages. There are 4 types of marriages.
1. Romantic
Its core is a lasting, passionate sexual relationship, feeling of being destined to be together - soul mates. Sexual passion remains central throughout the marriage.
Dark side : both are self - absorbed in each other and turn their backs on the world and the children

2. Rescue
The walking wounded enters into a bond which bring them healing. Some have gone into marriage as a form of escaping from the troubles of their family of origin, not realizing that the same issues would re-surface in their marriage.
Dark side : The marriage can be the new forum where the couple replays earlier childhood traumas instead of healing each other

3. Companionate
Its core is equality, shared roles and mutual respect. There is a re-definition of roles of the liberated women and their men. Major challenge is to balance the emotional investment in the work place with attachment to their children
Dark side : It can degenerate into "brother sister" or functional relationship, less intimacy and sexual activity

4. Traditional Marriage
The women stay at home and have complete charge of domestic concerns. The men are the primary breadwinner. The women may return to work after the children grow up.
Dark side : their central focus is on the children that when the children leave there would be little else in common.

As we are reflecting back, our type of marriage is Romantic and Traditional.

Growth of A Marital Relationship
There is 9 psychological tasks which a husband and a wife must confront and master at each stage of relationship

1. To separate emotionally from one's family of origin to invest fully in the marriage
2. To build togetherness by creating intimacy
3. To embrace the roles
4. To confront and master the inevitable crises of a couple relationship
5. To create a safe haven for adversity expressions
6. To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship
7. To use laughter and humour and to avoid boredom and having fun
8. To nurture and comfort each other
9. To keep alive the romantic images of falling in love while facing the realities

A good marriage needs to be worked at. One of the key ways of keeping a marriage together is to spend quality couple time with each other.

Thanks God, we have done regular planned couple time. We are so grateful for God's providence that we can recharge, revitalise and rejuvenate our marriage life through couple time.