Hell from Heaven

Confused - Overwhelmed - Sad - Disappointed - Insecurity - Betrayed

Love - mercy - pity - acceptance

When both feelings are mixed, the result is numb. It feels like your heart has been pierced and wrenched till it hits the nerves and you can't feel anything anymore.

When I thought I was in cloud 9, has been reconciled with hubby. He dropped the grenade yesterday. He confessed everything that I have been suspected long before.

I knew that something was not right but I just couldn't pinpoint, when I confronted him, he always defended and assured me that I was the one for him thus it made me feel that this was my fault feeling too sensitive and thought that it's just simply my illusion and imagination. I always tried to convince myself that he loved me wholeheartedly especially the past week that he always hugged and cuddled me before sleep.

Turned out, he affirmed that my suspicious was correct. I was still in denial and thought that it's just a dream. The more he confessed, the more my heart was pierced and sliced until I even can't cry anymore as it hit the core of my heart.

I was trying to console myself with positive things, I appreciated his honesty and tried to give thanks and told him I forgave and accepted him just to make sure that I was not drawn into negative circle and toxic.

I told him to delete all the chats as I didn't even have courage to look at that anymore. The painful moments was what happened last week. As I have tried to put everything behind, I read our dating blog to create the spark and felt that I fall in love with him again, I gave everything - my mind, my heart, my body and my life to him without knowing that he cheated me on his heart.

I felt that I was thrown to the core of the earth.

This morning, I woke up soulless, I was running in motion. He hugged and kissed me but I felt soulless, no excitement eventhough I knew that he meant well to reconcile with me. He had done his best to make me feel better which I appreciated very much.

I thought my body was still in shocked, I guess the hurt was so deep until I didn't even know what to do.

I only told him that trust is to be earned and asked him to promise in front of God not to do this anymore for the sake of the marriage vow that we have made 14 years ago to be faithful to each other in bad or good times, sickness and health even we had different point of views or arguments. We need to face each other not running from each other and acting coward by finding another man or woman.