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Bleeding in love

Speechless.....I don't know what to say....

I am like a silence lamb ready to be slain. Trying to put strong cover in front but broken heart inside.

I want to run and scream out loud....

What a faithful Monday when the bomb dropped in front of my face out of nowhere.

After we had a great time as a family, I was ready to face the week with positive energy.

I have told God that I want to change my prayer style from asking for blessings to be thanksgiving.

I want to challenge myself to have faith that what my heart desires has been granted by God.

However, things may not happen according to my plan. In the morning, hubby asked me to sit next to him and he said that he wanted to confess about something. I had no suspicious since I have decided to love and trust him that he will be faithful to our marriage.

He then confessed that he's been feeling guilty since the same problem resurfaced again. He got too excited chatting the same woman that I thought he has no more crush / fling. At first, I was still calm as it's not sink in yet.

However, the more we talked towards the darkest of the night. My heart was getting hurt and hurt. I felt that I was stabbed and pierced but I couldn't even defend myself.

He told me that he's sorry but he also defended himself so I really didn't know how to react. 

If I tried to react and told him what I felt, he will then put himself as a victim as if I have hurt his feeling.

Thus I just kept my silence, and cried in the pain alone. I quickly imagined my dad was here to accompany me and gave me comfort without saying anything.

Sometimes I just wondering what have I done wrong ?

I tried to be faithful to God, hubby and this marriage. I prayed for this marriage everyday without fail and still I need to bear this cross.

I couldn't hate him but I couldn't give my whole heart to him also. It's really torturing me.

Indeed love until it hurts is true.

I only could say, God is my judge and refuge. He knows what I feel and experience. I only can ask His mercy, grace and strength so that I could forgive him, have courage to trust him one more time and strength to hold his hand and never left him behind.




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