Lately, I’ve been asking myself a hard question: Am I really useful?
When doors close and things don’t go according to plan, I can’t help but wonder—Is there something wrong with me?
I’ve been struggling with this sense of worthlessness, especially because I’m not contributing financially to the household. And when our monthly income keeps bleeding, it feels like I’m just... failing.
I've even started thinking about the tough decisions we might need to make if things stay the same. Three in particular:
1. Letting go of our helper
Logically, I know I can manage. I’ve taken care of the kids on my own for 12 years—from babies to now—and I know how to run the household. Letting go of our helper would save a significant amount every year.
But something doesn’t sit right in my heart.
She’s been nothing but responsible, kind, and reliable. She’s never done anything wrong. And just because I don’t “need” her anymore, it feels cruel to simply let her go. It's not fair.
2. Letting go of our car
Our car’s COE will expire next year, and renewing or buying a new one feels unrealistic with how high prices are. Letting it go might mean simplifying our lives and making tough choices in our ministries.
We may not be able to serve in as many areas, but we can prioritize our parish and what matters most.
This sacrifice could actually lead to more intentional service—not doing more, but doing what matters better.
3. Letting go of travelling
Traveling has always been our version of a “rich life.” It fills our hearts, bonds our family, and gives us lasting memories. But if things don’t improve financially, it might be something we need to surrender—for now.
But in the midst of all these fears and questions, God revealed something to me.
And as always, it came in the simplest, most unexpected ways.
The first was through our helper.
Out of the blue, I asked her about the biscuits she bought and told her she could use my credit card. But she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
"It’s nothing compared to what you’ve given me."
She shared that after working with us for almost 3 years, she was finally able to save enough—SGD 500/month—to build her own house. Something she never dreamed of.
In that moment, I realized—I’m not as useless as I thought.
God has used us as a channel of provision for her. And that matters.
The second came from a senior at our prayer meeting.
I play the keyboard there—not professionally, just humbly offering what I can. I’ve never seen it as anything special. But she told me that because I’m there during practice, it gives her time to connect with the participants and build relationships.
What I thought was “nothing much” became something meaningful to someone else.
So today, I remind myself: I’m not useless.
Even when I’m not earning, even when things look uncertain, even when I feel invisible—God is still working.
He’s still using me, in quiet, unexpected ways.
And that’s enough.
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