I'm sorry

Who said that happy couple never have conflicts, disagreements and arguments ?

It's unavoidable because we are not saints and we are not married with saints either, however what make the happy couple surpasses all those storms and turbulences are the way they communicate their feeling and respond to one another.

In the Gottsman's book, he said that there are four horsemen that indicate whether you make or break your marriage.

It's criticism, contempts, defensiveness and stonewalling (cold war)

Most of us have those four horsemen deep within us because we are human with weaknesses and limitations. But by God's Grace, we would be able to control or even not using those four horsemen during conflicts with our partner.

Just last weekend, I and my husband had argument. It's all started when we were reviewing this year's budget and expenses as well as discussing about next year's budget and our holiday plan.

At first, everything was starting very well, even though in human's calculation the output was more than input, by God's providence, our total cash was more than what we had last year. We were trying to find out how ? however, even my meticulous husband couldn't find the exact answers.

Then, we made allocation budget for next year. It seemed that our needs and expenses will be more so there's limited resources for travel. Despite the reality, I have already had travel plan in my mind to bring the family including my parents to Shanghai next year. When my husband heard about this, he jokingly told me, okay then end of the year we could go to Japan too.

At first, I didn't take it too heart, but as we were going deeper in our discussion, I felt his joke was the way he attacked me as if I didn't bother about our financial state. When we went home, I couldn't help to cry myself out, I felt hurt by his continuous sarcasm joke.

At first, I reluctantly told him, but when he noticed I was crying, he asked me what's wrong.

When I explained that I felt hurt because of what his saying as if I didn't care about it, he probed me further.

He asked me which was important, our holy land trip which we have dreamt  and planned it before for our 10 years anniversary trip or this sudden China trip.

Then I bluntly answered him, the China Trip.

Suddenly, everyone was silent. 

He then started defending himself about other things and brought up other recent subjects of how I also hurt his feeling etc.

I just kept quiet and didn't know how to respond too.

Since it's already very late, we decided to sleep but deep inside, we couldn't sleep well.

The next day, he's very cold towards me. He just answered when I asked him, no smiling, no loving action, no joke. I know that he still mad with me.

At night, after all our children sleeping, I almost wanted to sweep it off under the blanket because he didn't want to talk to me and I couldn't help him if I didn't know which aspects that still bothering him. So with a courage, I asked him again, if he was ready to talk about it again.

Then suddenly he became emotional and responded in expressive outburst. He cried it out and felt so hurt when I told him that China trip was more important for me than Holy Land trip.

On that moment, I realised I had made a grievous mistake. I have betrayed him.

I prioritised my children and my parents over him.

I didn't defend myself, I only listened to him, I put myself in his shoes and he shared all his feeling outburst about his deepest wound, his anxiety etc.

We both cried and when I realised that he has shared his deepest him with me, I only could say I love you and I'm sorry.

I realised that how important he is to me and vice versa and I deeply regretted what I have said yesterday.

That's the turning point of our reconciliation.

After both of us calmed down, I told him how much I love him and appreciated what he has done to me and this family.

I told him that he has done more than what are expected as a father and husband and even in his workplace. He has done his part as God's light and salt and I added, if I were God, I would be very pleased and pat his shoulder to say, well done my son !

I also assured him, I will re-consider or even postpone the China trip plan if our resources are limited and surrendered everything to God.

We agreed to do the right thing for our next year budget and the rest we just surrender and trust in God's providence.

After those reconciliation and heart to heart talk, we were like newly-wed couple again.

Our love was renewed, we were so in fullness of love with each other.

That is our real life story, how vulnerable we are even though our marriage and relationship are considered strong.

Because of sins and our human nature, we subconscious display these Four Horsemen during the arguments.

It's proven that it never solve the problems and even make it worse.

When, one of us started to listen to other partner, listen without making judgement, listen with empathy, listen without making defensive argument and support our partner with positive words. The situation is turned around, the negativity was starting to subside and the reconciliation and healing happened. In the end, the love starts to emerge and overflow to our heart again.