There's unresolved matters that I still kept in my heart, this is something that my fear is much more bigger than my faith which is open to new life.
From three children I have, only one that I and my husband are really planning it, the rests are God's plan.
When we decided to get married, I didn't expect that within 6 months of our marriage, God has planted a seed of life in my womb. We were married quite young, I and my husband were still in planning to carve out our career, did something to fulfil our dream, still wanted to live just two of us while saving some money for our future children.
I was shocked, scared and excited at the same time, it's our first child and my first hands on experience of a lifetime because none of our relatives, cousins or close friends who were the same age with us back then were having the children.
Being the first one is not easy, it's a leap of faith.
Our first child was neither an easy kid, we were so struggling on the first few years of his life how to be good parents. There's one time that both of us gave up and decided only have one child.
As soon as he grew and passed the third year of his life, we found him adorable and he looked for companions to play together with him, so by God's grace who stirred our heart, we decided to have the second one.
Both of us planned it and even though we wanted to have a girl, God gave us another boy.
This time, we have prepared our mental for the arriving of the second one and turned out that he's an easy baby. He was not fussy, and even though there were some challenges, we could tolerate him.
Even though we didn't have a girl, we were grateful that we have done our part to multiply and gave a companion to our boy so we decided to close the shop.
We had plenty of plans for years ahead, our travel plan, my decision to return to work force after my second one reaching 3 years old and etc.
However, the shocking news came in unexpectedly when my second one was 18 months old that I was pregnant again.
We did NFP after my seconds son was one year old plus and we "failed"
Something that's supposed to be good news, it's not good news for me.
I was shocked, scared and was not mentally prepared.
I still hope that I would be miscarriage, I still couldn't come to term that my pregnancy was real, until the doctor really confirmed it and the baby was growing well.
Slowly, I took a courage to accept this baby and hoped that this would be a girl.
I made a deal with God, as consolation I would accept this baby if He gave me a girl otherwise I would shut my heart and would never open to life again.
I prayed Rosary and Novena every day for a month asking this baby would be a girl.
However, when we did full scan on my fifth month of pregnancy, it turned out to be a boy.
I was angry and so disappointed with God and I swore myself, I wouldn't open to life again and I shut off NFP.
In the end, I still accepted this boy, he turned out to be an easy baby, a cheerful one and always put a smile on us.
Even though superficial, I was doing my job as a mom, taking care and concern about their well-being, but deep down inside my heart I still couldn't comprehend and accept the children as gifts from God.
For me, children are burdens and stumbling blocks for my growth and self - fulfilment.
I did feel joy when they were well behaved and did what we expected them to do but once they throw tantrum and disobey us, I will get irritated, turn nasty and lost my temper easily.
Years by years, I still lived in my principle, say no to new life and NFP. There's a deepest fear, trauma inside my heart that I couldn't let go and let God take control.
I felt betrayed by God from the last incident.
Until one fine day when I and my husband attended couple spiritual fellowship, one of the speakers told us that we couldn't ask God that we don't want kids, but only having sexual intercourse and the approved method by church is only NFP. The rest of methods are considered sins.
I was fully aware that our method Pull and Pray were not right, but my fear was too big for me to let go.
My husband has been patiently asking me if we could start NFP again, but I told him, that I still couldn't.
Then I asked God, why He entrusted me with three children, two of them were even not in my plan and yet I was still be encouraged to open for new life again.
I am not a perfect mother who's patience enough with the children. Children are burdens instead of gifts. I am easily annoyed and lost my temper when they irritate me.
In other words, I am not good enough to have children and why God chose me ?
And on the silence night, I heard God said to me
He didn't look at my performance as perfect mother like the world sees. He chose me and my husband because of our deepest heart.
He didn't expect us to be perfect parents in the world, He reminded me how our children have grown up so far.
They are different from the rest. They may misbehave here and there as children but overall, they have a heart of mercy.
They care towards each other, they are responsible and mature, they are loved by their friends, and become blessings in their school.
It's because of our hearts that we pass it to them, they also have a fragile and broken heart that God is able to come in easily and be the king in their heart.
He told me, He understood my predicaments and He will wait for me patiently until I am willing to open and let go my fears and let Him take control of my life again.
I asked Him to give me a change of heart, mindset about children, and feel joy having them.
He told me, God's Grace is unlimited, as long as I let Him come in and having an encounter with Him, I will be able to have a change of heart and mindset.
As the moment I wrote this, I still couldn't let go my fears but one thing that has changed my heart and my mind is I am able to slow down and lower down my expectation to them. I am able to have fun and great laughter with them. I am slowly able to see them as true joy in daily life.
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